Okay; this is probably the 5th time that I’ve started this entry as I’ve been erasing drafts of it. There’s something I want to say, but I’m struggling with how to say it. I believe the Lord will help me write what He put on heart.
To be honest with you, this season of my life has truly challenged me in a way that I’m just not used to *whew* here we go.
My heart was broken. You have to know something about me; I had crushes and guy friends growing up, but I never seriously dated when I was in high school or college. My parents raised me to focus on putting school first and to let God make time for relationships. Growing up, that was a hard pill to swallow! All of my friends were “going out”, had boyfriends, and then there was me. Single me. Looking back, I’m grateful for that hard pill my parents gave me because I’m sure it saved me from having to go through the pain of breaking things off with a boyfriend.
No one likes rejection. It hurts. It makes you second guess everything about yourself. It can make you pick yourself apart and question why you are not pretty/good/special enough for someone else to see. If you allow it to fester in your mind, it can convince you to take blame for things that really aren’t your fault in the first place. Now, in my case, I can say that I had a hand in breaking my own heart; I let the desire to be in a relationship cloud my better judgment and I didn’t listen to the Lord who was tugging on my heart the whole time I was with this guy.
I actually dismissed the Lord’s prompts and I spiraled further and further away from Him because I decided that I knew better than He did. I justified red flags. I made excuses for unacceptable behavior. Little by little, I found myself reasoning away my standard. Can you see how dangerous and crazy that is?! The truth is, the Lord knew that this particular relationship was not for me, but I didn’t listen to Him because everything about this guy looked so good and so right to me.
Over time, I found myself constantly trying to convince this guy that I was good/great/special enough. I thought if I went out of my way for him he would one day see that I was a great person. In the process, my self-esteem suffered. I don’t know how or why I grew so comfortable with being rejected, dishonored, and manipulated. Eventually, I got tired. My mind was exhausted, my emotions were all over the place, and I realized he was at complete peace stringing me along.
With the Lord’s help, I walked away. No explanation. I dropped my end of the rope. I saw first-hand that whatever you stop feeding will in fact die. This “relationship” needed to die. It wasn’t God-ordained. I quit fighting to be with a guy who had no regard for me or my relationship with the Lord. Initially, this was very hard because I felt like I failed. I’ve never intentionally failed at anything in my life because I’ve never been a quitter. But this time, I found myself quitting. I needed to quit. Continuing in this would only cause futher damage.
I did whatever I had to do to get through the process of separating myself from him. I didn’t lash out, blow up his phone, send him a million texts, or even expect an apology from him for what he did. I didn’t bad mouth him on social media like he did to me. I chose to hold my peace for two reasons: number one, I felt that doing so would honor the Lord and secondly, I didn’t want to sow seeds of disrespect because I didn’t want to reap the harvest of them.
I needed healing. The Lord led me to sermons and podcasts with good teaching to rebuild my walls. I had to re-learn what it meant to keep a standard regardless of what is going on around me. I took Proverbs 3:5-6 to heart:
“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take” (Proverbs 3:5-6, NLT)
Looking back, I knew that I was believing God for great things, but I didn’t see how they were going to fall into place. Maybe my expectations were too unrealistic and somehow I thought running ahead of God’s timing would make things better. I was trying to figure out and lead my own life.
You see, my limited understanding was ruling my thought process and driving my decisions. I didn’t consult the Lord about this guy, or the relationship. I didn’t ask Him what He thought because deep down I probably knew what the answer would be. And to be honest with you, I didn’t want to start all the way over from scratch with someone else. I wanted it to work, I wanted things to get better, but in the end they continued to get worse.
In all, the pain had a purpose. In fact, there is a purpose to every season of your life. There is a purpose for being single. Contrary to popular belief, being single is not an indicator that there is something wrong with you or that you aren’t loveable or likeable for that matter. I have settled on the fact that God has a good plan for my life (Jer. 29:11). I settled in myself that there is no good thing that He will withhold from me (Ps. 84:11) because I choose to do what is right. He wants me to have his absolute best in all areas of my life and it starts with understanding my identity and my worth to Him FIRST. He’s shown me that I have value and that I don’t have to take down for anyone that can’t see that.
The Lord is good; He’s so good that He will do anything it takes to protect you from people, places, or things that will harm you. The temporary disappointment of heartbreak pales in comparison to the joy of obedience. I don’t know about you, but I want the Lord to be pleased with me and my decisions. I’m not perfect but my intention is to do things that bring honor to God. If you really want to know whether the things you do or say honor God, ask yourself:
“would it be okay if I did or said this if the Lord himself was physically standing in front of me?”
Is that real enough? Regardless, the Lord sees everything you say, do, and even think anyway. He knows you. He loves you. Sis/Bro, consider His presence and look for ways to love Him back by knowing that He’s always where you are. Practice being mindful of Him.
If you can take away anything from this blog, understand that you are precious to the Lord. Know that you do not have to fear or worry about time. The Creator of time has you right on schedule. His timing is always perfect. You can’t mess up so bad beyond the Lord’s ability to reroute you. You aren’t that powerful; *smile*
Trust His timing and keep growing in Him,